As I’ve taken the time to connect deeper with myself, I encountered a huge block that’s been preventing me from doing something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time: Activate my creativity to release emotions. Every time I have the desire to make art, [which for me is just symbol of a way to release emotion] I hear the message from myself “I can’t.” 

Today I had a breakthrough. I asked myself “Why do you want to make art?”

I meditated on this question as I was going through the bins of art supplies I’ve kept for so many years, even through all of this resistance [to make art] that I was feeling. I picked up a bag of random craft supplies, this particular bag carried some emotion. Recently, I finished a massive project of purging and reorganizing every area of my house. As I fought with myself over my reasoning for keeping or not keeping each item I owned, some had more emotional baggage than others. This particular bag was a random bag of some chosen scraps of craft supplies, which I was insistent in holding onto. It was as if  the bag had resembled my free, wild, messy, weird, creative self that I so desperately wanted to embody again. As I held that bag in this moment, a familiar voice came into my head. It said “Why can’t you just throw it away? Why can’t you just be minimal?” As I listened closer I heard more: “Why can’t you just make art?” 

At that moment, tears came to my eyes as I thought about other scenarios  in my life where this voice had come in, such as on dates: “Why can’t you connect? Why can’t you agree? Why can’t you relate?”. I turned my music up as I cried more and my neighbor started banging on the ceiling. As I felt the resistance to turn my music down, I heard the message in my head “Why can’t you just turn it down?” 

I thought about all the times I wanted to express myself in a relationship, all the times I wanted to feel heard, and instead felt so misunderstood to the point of reaching the familiar experience of a vulnerability hangover. At those moments I would hear this part of myself say “why can’t you calm down? Why can’t you stop crying? Why can’t you explain?” Where did these messages come from? Likely people in my life who had said these things to me and also things I’ve said to myself as self criticism. 

I realized the reason I can’t make art is because I’ve been asking (and listening to) the wrong question! I hadn’t been asking myself “why do you want to make art?” I had been saying “why can’t you make art?”. Of course that wasn’t going to get me anywhere! As soon as I asked myself the right question “ Why do you want to make art?” I knew the answer: Because of this. This emotion. This struggle. This need to release it somewhere. This need to feel expressed. 

In that moment I was suddenly ready to create again. I took out the bag of craft supplies and started painting something dedicated to that part of myself that starts sentences with “Why don’t you just…?” Now I can face that part of myself and respond with my answer: “Because it’s not who I am.” I covered the painting in all the crap, all the emotions, all the color, all the glitter that I am. In the face of all those questions, this piece of art is a reminder of all the things I may hear, either inside or outside my heard, all the things I think I want, all the things I think I should do, or not do…. But I am not. And that’s ok because I love who I am. 

I am inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s masterclass on the calm app called “creative living beyond fear”. I highly recommend checking it out if you relate to any of this! https://www.calm.com/blog/elizabeth-gilbert-author-of-eat-pray-love-teaches-a-calm-masterclass-on-creativity